Archive for January, 2009

Evenin sky

Any moment now, a tint of orange will smudge the sky

Any moment now, a noisy crow will come beside the window and caw

Any moment now, a gentle breeze will touch a chord in the life of a bamboo chime

Any moment now, time shall cease to exist at all

And I will hold that moment and live it through, like how I’m holding this moment now

Coz everytime I feel something true, that’s when I know I’ve learnt something new……


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Papa and Sa

 Sa: “Papa, you think I can get another cup of tea?”

Papa: “I don’t think it likely Sa, you’ve already had two.”

Sa: “Oh c’mon, just this once please…? Just one more cup…Papa please?”

Papa resigns and goes inside to fix a hot cup of strong tea. The conversation as you might have guessed, is between two members of a household. You would have probably even decided that it is between a very sweet father and a certain ‘Sa’. But what if I told you that ‘Papa’ is not the father, but the mother? And that ‘Sa’ is the actual father? Funny? But true. And quite sweet if you can imagine how my parents would have invented such names for themselves. I was not there to witness the unusual naming ceremony that took place after their marriage, but I’m guessing that when my dad decided to shorten my mom’s name, and took the ‘ush’ off ‘Pushpa’ to start calling her ‘Papa’, my mom went one step ahead and took off the entire ‘hadevan’ from ‘Sahadevan’, and started calling her husband ‘Sa’. Quite cute I say… To know each other with their names so unique and crazy like nobody else did. To learn how much I relate to them and their names and how beautifully the drama unfolds in our house every time they “PapaSa” each other to no end….

Happy Wedding Anniversary Amma, Acha…. Although it’s been 25 years since you both got married and started out together, I guess almost 23 of it were spent running after me. Or should I just say struggling to make a normal human being out of me? I don’t know how successful ‘you’ both were in your mission, considering how much of an achiever I wasn’t. Didn’t turn out to be a brilliant scientist like how Amma’s trusted ‘jyotsyan’ had predicted. Or an MBA holder like how she had wanted. I don’t even know what Achan’s dreams were. I guess I was a little too individualistic to listen and go out of my way to make others happy, not even you both. I don’t know what you both feel about it, about your only daughter’s life. Whether you feel you gave me too much freedom and too much love and spoiled me in the process.

I look at my life and I know that there arent many things to boast about, I only have things to feel blessed about. And I know that though I had hurt you both a lot in the past, I have more love to give you now than ever. And also that true joy and love are the best things to have in the world. You have given me that. And as parents, you couldn’t have given me anything better. So no thank yous and kind words to wet the eyes now, only another request. If you would take my words seriously, and not discount it as another writing in a blog, I’d like to ask you both to stop running…and start living! You are probably waiting to get my marriage done with before you can stop running. As far as I am concerned, you both have already played out your roles wonderfully and there is nothing more for you to do. But I also know that nothing of what I say or write is going to shake you from what you have already decided. So I guess I’ll just wait around in here. To see that day, when I’ll finally walk in to our house in Calicut, and see Achan reading on the porch while little birds make their music nice and mellow to his taste. And to see Amma busy talking to her ‘tulsi’ plant and scolding the tomato plant before bringing in to the kitchen the small produce from her mini vegetable garden and mumbling all the way…. Wait for that day when I’ll know that you both are really living your lives and not struggling to make mine better!

Happy Wedding Anniversary once again… I wish you both happiness and nothing else but true happiness!

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Tonight I’m going to meet a demon. A little one that’s been haunting Thoughton from his childhood days. A demon named ‘Guchi’.   

I’m scared to sleep alone. Yes, all of 23 and I still cannot manage to shut close the door and my eyes alone in the night. The reasons are aplenty. From innocuous sounds to shadows thrown in by passing vehicles, they all go on to create images in my head. And if Thoughton reminds me about ghosts on such a night, then I can be sure of having it real scary and sleepless. I try to console him and go to sleep. He calms down for a while and then asks me, “But are you sure there is nobody standing near your bed?” The next second my eyes would be staring wide open into the darkness. With weary eyes, we both then inspect the room for wandering forms. If Thoughton decides that its way too dangerous to remain in the room, I collect my blanket and pillows and tip-toe away to the neighbouring room, expecting every second to jostle against a passing ghost, and huddle near an unsuspecting human form.

Now before any of ya all can make clucking noises like a chicken, let me also bring to your notice that this is not something I am very proud of myself. I have always asked myself why I am so scared of darkness and how in the world did I start believing in ghosts in the first place. I asked Thoughton if he could remember any instances where he had encountered or experienced anything out of the ordinary, like say meet a ghost in the toilet at night or bump into a faceless creature in the dark? The answer came as a straight NO. But he was quick to remind me of this particular neighbour’s kid who was my friend and also the nastiest brat I had ever come across through my entire childhood. And he took immense pleasure in harassing me to no end. Hmmm, yea I remember that kid. “What about him?”, I asked Thoughton.  

I was around 7 or 8 years then. Those were the days of daily power cuts, when every evening the power would be shut down for half an hour. It was a welcome break for us kids from our horrifying textbooks and homework. My brat of a friend would come and grab me by my arm and pull me out of my house to play. And on one such occasion, he tricked me into going up with him onto the topmost floor of the apartment with the promise of showing me something really awesome, and something that nobody else knew of. The floor was dark, empty and silent from the inactivity of machines and humans. Once up there, he had pointed at a faraway coconut tree and said-“See, see, do you see him?” Like an innocent thing I’d asked- “See who”? He replied- “See up there on the tree, amidst the coconuts, there is a small head with gleaming eyes. That’s ‘Guchi’, an evil demon who likes to eat little children”. “You mean to say little children like you and me?”,  I’d asked. “No, not like me, but like you. Guchi only likes girls.” With this, he’d pushed me and run away into the darkness. Guchi’s image took a definite form of a small, brown, hairy creature with an enormous set of teeth and big red eyes in my head, like those creatures from the movie ‘Critters’. Unable to move from up there in the darkness, I had silently cried, waiting for the current to come. My friend never came back to collect me. He had found the other kids from the apartment and as I heard them shriek and laugh, with anger and sadness I had realized that he’d forgotten all about me.  

It sounds absurd and even funny to think about it now. But for a child of not more than 7, it was quite something. And the fact that I never really got to sleep alone sort of allowed the fear to remain I suppose. Yes, I have never in my entire life slept alone. I have slept alone in a ‘room’, with other people in the house, but never have I been in a house all by myself. I can’t imagine how big a nuisance I must have been to my parents, waking them up at unearthly hours babbling about red-eyed monsters and names that sounded like famous French couture brands. Not that they would have understood anything of what I said as they tucked me safe in their warmth and put me to sleep. But over the years, my fear has only grown. And I admit, it is quite shameful. So, here it is, my own solution for it. My room mates have all gone home for the ‘Pongal’ hoildays. I shall make use of this situation and sleep alone in the house tonight. Meet Guchi, and if possible have a little chitchat and sort out things. Maybe even get Thoughton to touch him and see for real that Guchi is only a speck of his imagination, a creative prank of a very nasty 9year old. I wonder what he is up to now, little naughty Vikram.    


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